365 days ago…
It all started 365 days ago.
A day which feels like millennia ago, yet just the other day.
The day life started revolving around more than just me. Changing my life from newly wed and carefree to being responsible for something way bigger than myself.
The day I found out I was pregnant.
Every six months in our married life, I would ask Lee if he is ready to be dad yet and the answer would always be “No”. I didn’t ask because I was so eager to start our family, I actually just wanted to know if I really had to go to the doctor again to get a script when I felt like it was such a waist of our medical savings account. And because I was so aware of the money spent on that script, I was also determined to use the full 6 months worth before even talking about having children. So around October 2013 we got to the 6 month mark again and this time the answer changed.
We decided to see what would happen if we just stop interfering and let nature take its course. I decided that I didn’t want to know whether I was pregnant early on, because it would just add extra stress and paranoia. So we just went with the flow, not checking dates or counting down the weeks or months with the question of whether we’re pregnant yet.
Then one day I felt like eating sushi. And by this I mean that I REALLY felt like eating sushi. A lot of sushi. For about a week, I would by myself sushi for lunch. When I didn’t have sushi, I settled for some pickled gherkins. Yes, I also started thinking that something was up and I attempted to count the days in my cycle. I was never very good at this and still didn’t know whether this craving meant PMS or baby is coming next. My first instinct was to just let it be and see if anything happens between now and next month, but then I realized… Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. What a great opportunity to share some good news.
Naturally, paranoia set in and I started to Google every symptom I could think of and trying to figure out if I’m incredibly tired, or just lazy. If I’ve got a headache, or just didn’t drink enough water. Whether my stomach cramps are from a baby busy forming or from the fact that no baby was busy forming. Why, oh why, are all the early pregnancy symptoms the same as pre-menstrual ones???
The next step? Pregnancy test. And no, I wasn’t going to go to the doctor unless I had reason enough (we all know how I feel about wasting the money in the savings account). So after a busy day and not having enough time to stop off at a pharmacy without Lee around, l spent the night trying to sleep amidst all these thoughts going crazy in my mind.
Finally Valentine’s Day arrived and we all know what was on my agenda. So I get my hands on two pregnancy tests and the first one had no doubt that I was expecting. That was the moment that I realized it’s worth paying to see the doctor, as a pregnancy test kit was not answering anymore of my questions and it also wasn’t necessarily always correct. (Yes, I googled false positives after that, just to make sure). I got an appointment with doctor that afternoon and we could just start to see the sac busy forming, confirming that I was indeed pregnant and it was still very early. Going on 4 weeks. (How ironic is that, when I was adamant to not know so soon.)
That night I set up supper identical to the night Lee proposed to me. It was the side plates, mugs, small table and couches that we used when I had just moved out of home and into my own place. Take-out on the menu, because I didn’t yet have any kitchen appliances to cook a decent supper. It was awkward, but so memorable. We played a game of ‘Reasons why I love you’ and on his final reason he said: ‘Because I get to spend the rest of my life with you’ and got down on one knee. (Everyone say awww…)
So, true to tradition we ate take-out on small plates, sat in our uncomfortable chairs and played ‘Reasons why I love you’. This time I ended it with: ‘Because you’ll be the best dad ever’ and handed him the pregnancy test and ultrasound picture we took at the doctor that day.
Now, 365 days later, I’m lying in bed with my little girl next to me. Thinking about how massively life can change in such a short amount of time. How she’s already 16 weeks old and came with her own set of challenges. How were only now really starting to cope with this new phase in our lives. And I’m reminded of Ecclesiastes telling me that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. For now, this is our season and it won’t be forever. We must make it count.